why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
