I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
