Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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