Only a mothe r could love this liver
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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