Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
