I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
