2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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