Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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