i jhust puked up my retainher.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
