The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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