it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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