Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
