I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
