I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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