Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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