If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
where does the pee come out of this thing
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
