plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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