I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
