Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
As shirtless as possible
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".