We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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