I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
