Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
