i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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