Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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