peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
