yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
