At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
