R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
