ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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