I just made out with a guy for $7.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
