My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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