There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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