This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
