Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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