Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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