I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
