Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
