I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
