So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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