I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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