I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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