I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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