I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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