hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I haven't been this sober since birth.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
