What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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