Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You've changed since you got that strap on
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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