Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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