I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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