just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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