Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
