My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
