All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
