My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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