I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
