mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
