I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
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Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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