Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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